Feats of Manliness #2

Though technically a beard obscures your mouth, the presence of facial hair actually speaks volumes on your behalf.  Featured above are six awesome beard-types and what they say about you.

  1. The Lincoln: If you have this beard, you’re a man of focus.  You’re so focused you’ve even narrowed your beard down to its simplest form.  Mustaches be damned!  You’ve probably got a country to unite, or a people to free, or a crazy-ass wife to contain (or in Lincoln’s case, all three).  So, stay focused.  Stay trimmed.  Keep those whiskers out of the way so everyone can: Read. Your. Lips.
  2. The Hagrid:  This beard says, “I belong in a forest.”  No urban or suburban dweller would feel comfortable walking into a business meeting covered in this mass of matted hair, but you wear it because amongst the various other types of woodland critters you fit right in.  This beard-type is also very popular among lumberjacks and madmen.
  3. The ZZ Top: To grow a beard of this length you’d have to have a lot of time on your hands and a serious lack of any normal responsibilities. In other words, you’d have to live in a fantasy world. A world where you get money for nothing and the chicks for free.  A world where you might be called upon to lead Hobbits to a smokey volcano.  A world we’d all like to live in.
  4. The Hemingway: This beard is full, manly and serious.  If you wear something like this below your nose and above your sweater/ascot/corduroy jacket, then you’re of a finer class of man than most.  Maybe you’re an adventurous sea captain, or an exceptionally wise grandfather, or a poet, a writer, a lover.  Whichever you are, you’re probably the most interesting man people have ever meet.
  5. The Norris: Don’t look directly at the beard.  Its shear awesomeness will kick your ass.  This close cropped number highlights your stern jaw and compliments your perfectly feathered mullet.  It may well be the source of your power.  Razors can’t cut it.  Enemies can’t defeat it.  Women can’t resist it.
  6. The Gore: This beard all but screams, “I’m depressed.  Don’t look at me.  Unclean!  Unclean!”  Your dreams have been recently crushed.  Your hopes dashed.  Your world has crumbled, and you’ve given up.  Why shave?  Why get out of bed at all?  It makes you itchy, uncomfortable and warm.  It let’s every one know that you’ve been inconvenienced, and that’s the truth.  This beard may also communicate that you’re a disenfranchised actor, talk show host or twenty-something youth who likes to wear skinny jeans.

This beard didn’t make the top six, but it deserves an honorable mention.

The Lucas: This beard is trim and maintains the perception of a chin-line where none exists.  It’s primary function is to distract people from noticing your obvious faults, like being overweight, or being terrible at creating prequels.  You wear it to fit in, but deep down you know you’re not like the rest of them.  You’re richer.  Lots richer.


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