Book of Monsters #2

Name: Frank Xzypk

Species: Gizmodal

Class: Dragonian (Fur-Covered)

Characteristics: Gizmodals are full of electricity.  They channel their natural powers through guns filled with chilled meat products to extend their range and force.  Their speed and natural source of ammunition made them a decisive factor in the battle between the Collective’s Mercenary Army and Chipan in 2777 AD.  One interesting side note: the start of the knee-high, rainbow-banded, tube socks fashion trend in the 1970’s is rumored to have started when an escaped Gizmodo convict time-traveled to the past,  met a young body named Danny and passed on his socks to him.

Location: They prefer areas with lots of rain and fresh water.

Feats of Manliness #3

Slay the dragon. Rescue the princess. Two of the most quintessential acts of manliness ever envisioned.

Historically, these idealized, heroic feats are first combined in the legend of Perseus. (You know, that brave, Greek warrior who literally swooped out of the sky and rescued Andromeda from a sea serpent?  From Clash of the Titans? With the curly hair? Yeah, him.)  Thereafter, the legend of St. George picks up on this same concept and  introduces a more Europeanized-version of the dragon. (Same story, less gods, more chivalry.) Lastly, the key elements of the anthropomorphized lizard and the super awesome, unbreakable sword are derived from the tale of Sigurd’s defeat of Fafnir. (The brave Norse warrior didn’t get a princess as a prize, but did he become invincible and permanently gain the ability to talk to birds.  Seriously cool.)

But let’s be honest, slaying a big, giant monster is–and mostly likely always has been–simply a metaphor for man’s quest for meaning and power.  The dragon is bigger than you, and more powerful than you, but, ah ha!  you’ve outsmarted it somehow and stabbed it in the heart.  Who’s the big man now, scaly?  Oh, and getting to marry a beautiful, rich girl as a result?  Well, that’s just the icing on the cake.  I mean, you don’t even have to ask her out on a date after an ordeal like that, do you?  By all rights, saving a damsel’s life seems like it gives you some serious bargaining power in the relationship-game.  She’s gotta fall in love with you, right?  Immediately, nonetheless.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Adventure #19

Remember when heroes were brave just to be, you know, brave?  Me neither.  That era ended long before my time.

I’m talking about the days when tough, hardy men did the right thing just ‘cuz.  None of this ironic, Byronic, sardonic inner struggle crap.  No one was a bad guy doing the right thing, nor a good guy doing the wrong thing.  They were just men of valor (look it up, it still means something).

Evil was done by real villains, too.  Not bad guys who missed having mommies and probably would’ve been the good guy’s best friend had they just gotten a hug at the right time.  I’m talking about the days when bloodless, merciless fiends violently and relentlessly pursued total world dominance.

Above is a tribute to when the pure of heart looked the black, empty void of hatred in the face and said, “Bringeth it on!”