Feats of Manliness #9

Dude, there are few words in the male vocabulary more versatile than “dude.”  Dude, it’s like you could use “dude” for almost any reaction, and any dude would totally get it.

See something cool?  “Dude.”

See something awful?  “Dude.”

Need to get somebody fired up?  “Dude, come on.”

Need to settle somebody down? “Dude, come on.”

With just a minor inflection in tone, this one word can span the entire breadth of human emotion.  It even works as a substitute for occasions were there are no words to describe something.  It’s like such an amazing word you’re like… dude!

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Feats of Manliness #8

Winning a woman’s heart is by far man’s greatest challenge.  Dragons, Nazis, evil sorcerers and terrorists be damned!  Wooing a woman takes twice the courage and ten times the endurance to be successful.  However, it can be argued that men’s skills in this arena have deteriorated over time.

Compare these lines used by Romeo to win Juliet’s heart…

  1. Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.
  2. But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
  3. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!
…with today’s top pick up lines:
  1. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again?
  2. Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!
  3. I wanna bag you like some groceries.

It’s a wonder we’re not all alone.

Feats of Manliness #7

Hand to hand combat is the most primitive form of fighting there is.  One’s ability to physically overpower another in a good old-fashioned wrastlin’ match is, and always has been, a sure sign of manliness.

Rugged displays of this form of manliness has been celebrated, exonerated, and incorporated into virtually every culture across the globe.  And in the Americas in particular, wrestling has risen to astronomical levels of popularity and pageantry in the last fifty years.

Above, Demonio Negro battles the Fuego de Doble utilizing his signature move: The Tortilla Rota.  First he stacks his opponents up like tortillas, then he launches himself from the top rope and crushes them into bite-sized “fritas.”

After the crushing blow is delivered and the mandatory “oohs” and “ahhs” have subsided, Demonio Negro will strut around the ring, arms raised in victory, and the crowd will respond in unison saying, “Mmmm… muy delicioso!”

In the ring, the luchador experiences the same taste of victory that man has known since the beginning of time: a fine blend of blood and sweat, topped with a heaping helping of adulation.

Delicious, indeed.

Feats of Manliness #6

Wearing a necktie is an critical part of manhood.  Below is a quick guide to a few essential types:

  1. Retro Classic: A thin, dark necktie that’s best coupled with a glass of hard liquor and a serious lack of morality.
  2. Classy Class: A smart, short, tight bow tie that’s best worn in settings were large amounts of money are going to waste (such as political fundraisers or higher education).
  3. Big Papa: A loud, fat necktie filled with a designs that celebrate fishing, holidays, cartoon characters or obnoxious patterns and comes with it’s own battery pack.  Improper for all occasions.
  4. Geek Chic: A skinny, flat-bottomed tie worn loosely around the neck (except during a kick-ass keytar solo where it is worn around the forehead).
  5. The Original: The only thing missing from the modern necktie is a tree branch to hang you from.  Think about it.

Feats of Manliness #5

Loneliness is a hallmark of manhood.

We’re born alone, we’ll die alone, and in-between we highly value the ability to survive in this world by our wits, strength and fortitude alone.

It is in the lonely places that a man can truly think, create, forge the definition of who he really is, and even encounter God.  Thomas Wolfe called solitude the “central and inevitable experience of every man.”  We all but gravitate to it.  In fact, for many cultures solitude is the very right of passage to manhood.  Aristotle theorized that loneliness is how men are able to connect with the most basic elements of life (wild beasts live a lonely, unaided existence) and the highest ideal (who is more isolated than a perfect God?).

Above, Mitchell Owens, walks away from yet another town with his horse, Ranger, his gun, Molly, and his thoughts.  The experience will soon become but another notch on his rifle, another scratch on his heart, another tick mark on his soul as he disappears into the desert, alone.