Coolest Member of the Lean, Green, Ninja Team


Raphael has always been my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Those sai are just too cool.

Ninja Bill Book

I’ve been working on turning one of the Ninja Bill stories into a children’s book for my little boys.  Hopefully it will be done by Christmas.  I’ll throw a few excerpts up here on the ol’ bloggy blog as I get them done.

Ninja Bill vs. Ugly Squirrel

Let’s say you were a squirrel, an ugly squirrel (a very ugly squirrel some might say), and you loved nuts (as all squirrels do, even the ugly ones) but you were allergic to them.

Would that ironic clash of desire and denial be enough to drive you mad? Would it be enough to drive you to a life of crime? Would it be enough to drive you to build a robot-shell body armed with dozens of guns just so you could gather up nuts and hold them close and smell them without breaking out in debilitating hives?

Such is the case of Ugly Squirrel.  But his crime isn’t his passion for poisonous pralines, it is his monstrous, murderous methods for gathering them.

And now its up to Ninja Bill to negate this naughty, nut-loving, nut-job of a nemesis!

Ninja Bill vs. CrowBear

Atop the highest mountain, inside the deepest cave lives Ninja Bill’s karate equal… CrowBear!

Both Ninja Bill and his former burly, behemoth, bear-buddy, CrowBear, were raised like brothers under the tutelage of Sensei Sensei who trained them in ancient martial arts of KickPunch, Socka-Alota, Chop-Chop, Kneetoface, Keeyah and Kung Wham, but a falling out over the best kind of waffles for breakfast caused CrowBear to join the side of evil.

Now the two meet again.  This time in a dark cave.  This time on CrowBear’s turf.  This time with an annoying crow involved.


Ninja Bill vs. Ernie “Spider Crab” Gonzales

Deep underneath the Atlantic Ocean lies Bubble City, home of the Walking Fish.  Their king, Imbadu, fiercely protects their kingdom from undersea invaders with the help of his fearless army and his trustworthy second lieutenant, Jeremy.

But one day, the Army of Walking Fish encounter a threat that can’t be defeated.  It’s a radioactive crab bandit from Cincinnati named Ernie “Spider Crab” Gonzales.

King Imbadu quickly realizes there is only one person that can save them, so he sends Jeremy to the surface world to find….

Ninja Bill!


Author’s Note: Too many zany elements for one story?  Yeah, that’s what happens when your plot points are made up by two grade school boys.  Kids have boundless imagination.  An army of Walking Fish? Sure, why not (“They have feet so they can walk, that’s why their called walking fish,” is the explanation I get.).  A Walking Fish named Jeremy?  Of course!  Cincinnati?  That’s a word they know, let’s throw that in too.  Awesome.

Ninja Bill vs. The Fun Size Gang

It’s Halloween, and that means Ninja Bill has to try to avoid receiving the nastiest trick of all — a bashing from Batuza, a zonking from Zomboy, a plunking from Lil’ Punkin, and a beating from BooGhost.

The Fun Size Gang is a group of tiny, notorious candy bandits who wreak havoc on Big City once a year.  Ninja Bill has yet to stop them from snatching his Snickers, wrecking his Reese’s, or mashing his M&Ms, but this year he has a trick to play on them.

On Halloween, anyone can be dressed up like Ninja Bill, and Ninja Bill can be dressed up like anyone.  So, is the Fun Size Gang attacking the right person?

Ninja Bill vs. DoorLock

Yeah, I know, being a door doesn’t sound like a very interesting power for a bad guy to have, but think about it:  Who would ever expect a door to be evil?  Isn’t the ability to look like a door a great way to sneak attack your number one enemy, Ninja Bill?

DoorLock thinks so.

So does my five year-old son, the inventor of DoorLock.  “He’s like a door, dad.  Except bad.”

Ninja Bill vs. Robot Sheep

Manny Lamb, that nefarious, no-good Slavic shepherd, is at it again, and this time his flock goes tick tock!  It’s true! Not only are they robot sheep, but they’re also sheep bombs!

Can Ninja Bill stop this flock with his karate chop?  Or will Manny Lamb make the whole place go ka-blam?

Ninja Bill vs. Tiger Bit

Sure, tigers who know karate are all but a cliche nowadays, but who could resist?

For this go around, Ninja Bill takes on the only martial artist who knows the leaping tiger claw jump attack better than himself, Tiger Bit!

As you may have guessed, Tiger Bit is named after a cereal for kids called, um, “Tiger Bits”  (“Made with real bits of tiger inside to give your bitty tiger bite!”)

Ninja Bill vs. Juba Juba

Ninja Bill fights his worst enemy yet… himself.

Under the control of the Juba Juba (an alien who uses his notorious brain batons to conduct his enemies thoughts), Ninja Bill finds himself unwillingly taking down the city police force, one cop karate chop at a time.

How can you stop the unstoppable?  How can you control the uncontrollable?  How can you out juba the Juba Juba?

Below is the drawing that my second oldest son created which inspired this villain.  He has three space helmets on.  I could only fit in two.


Ninja Bill vs. Icky Sticky Ape

Meet the maniacal, mad, monstrosity known as the Icky Sticky Ape!  He had four arms, but then one got cut off by Ninja Bill in a fight that took place over a lava pit, so now he only has three.  His favorite attack phrase is, “Time to destroy!”  In fact, that’s his only phrase… in English.  He mostly speaks gorilla.


Ninja Bill vs. Mouse Cheese

Who is Mouse Cheese?  What is he up to?  What is he after?

Ninja Bill tries to solve this mysterious miniature malcontent’s modus operandi while dodging a hailstorm of Gouda, Swiss, Cheddar and Provolone!

PS: Thought I’d jump in on Inktober.  Awesome idea.


Ninja Bill vs. Goo Head

Awesome ninja chopping skills only work if the object receiving your best defeating blow is solid.  Gelatinous bad guys are the worst.

Ninja Bill vs. Freakjaw

He’s part werewolf, part man, and another part werewolf… but all monster!  He’s Freakjaw and Ninja Bill has to try and defeat him on his way to rescue his friend, Bun Bun Foo, who is being held captive in Lava Castle (which is a castle with a lava river flowing through it, in case you’re wondering how it got its name).

Will Ninja Bill make it on time, or will he lose to this leering, loathsome lycanthrope?

FYI… the “W.W” on Freakjaw’s belt buckle stands for “werewolf.”  My second oldest son wanted to make it clear to everyone that Freakjaw was indeed a werewolf.  Belt buckles never lie.


Ninja Bill vs. Sharkbones

In this adventure Ninja Bill (a.k.a. William Handstand) battles underwater against Sharkbones, ruler of the deep.

After learning how to hold his breath “as long as the docile but fierce porpoise” from his master, Sensei Sensei, Ninja Bill swam into the deepest part of the ocean to find the “amulet of power” stolen by the merciless, mean and generally unlikeable bad-guy, Sharkbones.

My sons thought that Sharkbones should be all bones, but this is his origin story (plus that’s a lot harder to draw).

Ninja Bill vs. Bunkerhead

Lately my sons and I have been making up our own bedtime stories.  We mostly talk about a character we made up named Ninja Bill (his non-ninja name is William Handstand), and he fights bad guys all around the world (particularly places with lava).  The next few posts will chronicle a few of his epic battles.

Up first: bank-robber and mobster, Bunkerhead!

Adventure #21

The sixth film in the Dirk Kilpatrick cult-favorite movie series was widely panned by critics, primarily due to the lack of Asian actors in any central roles, and the lack of any coherent plot.  The film was supposed to take place in a karate dojo in China, though it was obviously filmed in a warehouse in Pasadena, and the only Asian actor was Harvey Tan, a third generation Korean American, who played a gas station attendant (which also happened to be his real day job).  Sven Utlander, the Shakespearean-trained Swedish actor who played the lead role of Wu Shin D, had severe arthritis in his elbows and knees and so all of his fight scenes had to be acted out in slow motion.  The scenes were then sped up to appear normal… they did not.